Nnoitra's Driving Guide
by ValentineRevenge
Summary: Nnoitra takes it upon himself to teach a younger sibling how to drive, with amusing consequences.
1. You Ain't Goin' Gangbangin!

**Nnoitra's driving guide. This is based off shit that actually happened when my uncle was teaching me to drive. None of the whole I need to go to Sedanos shit happened, alll that happened was he told me that I shouldn't sit like a gangster (Seat all the way back and down). Nnoi takes it to the next level here.**

**"Drivin' Like A Nigga!"**

"Alright Shrimp! In the car. I gotta go to Sedano's." Nnoitra said, poking his younger sister in the ribs. She waved him away, continuing to read her book. Nnoitra stood up straight, head coming dangerously close to the ceiling, and put a hand on his hip. "Oh hell no! You have a permit now, so yer driving my spoony arse around!"

"To hell with your spoony arse." She muttered, flipping to the next page.

"Hmmm... I'll hold your fish hostage if you don't!" A rather spoony grin followed this. He thought he had found his trump card.

"Which one?" She asked, boredly. "Because if it's the guppies, I don't give a fuck. They're multiplying more than rabbits... I'm running out of flower vases to put them in. "

"Ehhhh..." He muttered, wilting. That certainly backfired. And he had thought that he had the perfect plan! He shuffled off in a manner only a spoony bastard could, into her room. "Eureka!" he yelled after a moment. "The fuck?" Venn asked, glancing up from her book. She could only hope that he wouldn't go running out of the room sans pants.

She shrugged it off after he didn't come back after a few seconds. Going back to her book, she didn't notice him shuffle out of her room and into the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water and shuffling right back into her room. A minute or two later, a rather tall, thin shadow was cast across her book. She ignored it. "Ahem!" The shadow coughed.

She looked up. In his hand, he held the glass of water. Inside the glass of water, however, was a rather pissed off looking beta fish. "Told ya I would hold a fwishy captive!" he said with a grin. "But the little fucker tried to bite me."

"There's a reason that they're called 'fighter fish' you know. And put him back in his vase, it's just plain cruel to have him in such a tiny glass."

"Last time that I checked, that vase is pretty fucking tiny for a fish this size."

"You do know that with most of them, if you put them in a tank they can see their reflection in, they go mad thinking its another fish and try to attack it, and end up killing themselves, right?"

"That's a tank with a reflection, not anything bigger than a soup bowl."

"Sometimes they do the same if you put them in anything too big." **(It's true, I've lost a fish or two to putting them into a bowl that's too large. )**

There was a tense moment of staring between the siblings,before Venn spat in a low voice, "Put my damn fish back."

"But the bastard tried to bite me!"

"I don't care."

"Then drive me!"

"Up a wall? Gladly."

"No, to Sedanos." Nnoitra said, as if it were something any idiot with a half a brain, even Ylfordt would be able to comprehend.

"You do know that's where all the grandmothers go, right?"

"Fuck you."

"Ew, no incest, thanks."

A vein started to twitch in Nnoitra's head. It didn't stop twitching for quite a while. After about 10 minutes, they were finally out the door, getting into the car. Now since there was nearly 2 feet of height difference between the two of them, and they were using a car that was driven exclusively by the Spoonman, Venn found herself very far away from the steering wheel and pedalas.

"Now Ima give you some advice here, Shrimp." Nnoitra started off, sounding vaguely like Kanye West. "But first off what the fuck ya doin' all the way back there."

"It's your car. You're the one who practically sits in the fucking backseat!"

"That don't mean ya gotta drive like a nigger! What ya gonna do, go do a driveby or some shit? Get closer to the damn steering wheel! It don't bite!" Nnoitra said, his speech suddenly getting all ghetto.

**Nnoitra's Rule #1 to Driving: Don't drive like a nigga. You ain't goin' gangbangin'!**


	2. Lil Effin' Pin

So today, I'ma be tellin' ya about the lil effin' pin! Nnoitra said, holding up a finger, grinning.

The little... effing... pin? His sister asked, craning her head up to see the overgrown spoon. Yup, the little fucking pin!

What's that?

Well it's a little effin' pin, duh!

Why's it so important you need to give me a lecture on it?

Cuz it's the little effin' pin, duh!

Nnoitra?

Yus?

You don't make any fucking sense!

Why thank you!

That was supposed to be an insult! His sister yelled, adding a facepalm at the end for emphasis.

Was it? Nnoitra asked, confused.

Yes, you're a fucking moron!

Thank you! Again!

God, you're stupid! She said, shaking her head sadly and walking away, leaving a very confused spoon-shaped bastard behind. How did she even end up related to someone like this?

10 minutes later...

Ohey! I remember what I wanted to say about the little effin pin! Nnoitra yelled down the hallway. He paused outside the door with a large spoon with an X through it posted.

I don't give a fuck.

Nnoitra tried opening the door, before he had a (small) shoe aimed at his head. The fuck was that for!

Can't you see the sign? I drew it since you're so illiterate! It symbolizes no spoons allowed!

What the hell is illiterate? And I'm a mantis, not a spoon!

A rather loud sigh was heard. She would never win against someone that stupid, would she? 


	3. 2 Spaces!

For the record, the only parts that are real was my uncle giving me the wrong directions, the problem of the 2 spots being taken up, telling me to go further into traffic then complaining I was too far out there into the road, telling me to use the turn signal to pull out of the driveway into a deserted back road even though the textbook said nothing about it (and criticizing me for saying if the book didn't say it, it's not a problem) and thinking I can maneuver a car across a couple lanes of traffic with very little space in which to do so. The part about the angry old lady whacking people with her purse never rest is just BS made up by yours truly.

The duet somehow managed to make it to Sedano's after nearly half an hour on the road. In reality, the damn place was a mere 10 minutes away, if you factored in traffic. On a clear day, maybe 5 minutes tops. So why such a long drive, you ask?

Because as it would seem, Nnoitra was the worst GPS that the world had ever had the misfortune of encountering.

Upon pulling out of the driveway and onto the street, Nnoi had started to nag his sister, the first words out of his mouth being Use yer effin' turn signal! It's there for a reason yo!

There was absolutely nothing in there that said I have to use a turning signal to get off the shoulder of the road, and onto the road, especially when going in the same direction, and the road is empty!

And I bet the rule book doesn't say shit about wiping your nose after sneezing!

No, because it-

Oh! What I said! The overgrown spoon yelled, clapping his hands in joy.

It expects you to know that from the time you're 2 years old. Vennession finished her statement, an irate look spreading across her face. She was promptly ignored.

Upon reaching the end of the street, she angled for a right turn, the car just far enough out into the road so that she could see, when Nnoi piped up, Yo, move this shit up, I can't see jack!

Well I can, and that's all that matters!

I gotta be able to see too!

Bitch, this is not jolly old England, we don't drive on the wrong side of the road, meaning the damn passengers doesn't need to see a thing.

But-

You're a damn passenger. You don't need to see shit.

Just scoot this thing up already!

An audible sigh permeated the car, before Fine.

The car was moved up a foot or so, at a very slow crawl, while Nnoitra kept making hand gestures to go on, because apparently It wasn't far enough out into the road as it was. Finally, it's front half was nearly entirely out in the road.

The hell're ya doin'! Go fer it, yer already in tha middle o' tha effin' road! The Spoon yelled, followed by an unmanly squeal of fear as a large truck passed inches from the front of the car.

His sister rolled her eyes, muttering, Oh shut up. , before edging her way into traffic.

Sad to say, the Espada quickly recovered, enough to say, That's some real shitty ass drivin, yo!

You're the fucker who told me put the car all the way out there!

The lanky creature rolled it's eye, saying, Now at the lights, turn left.

But that's the wrong way!

I said turn left!

Brain dead. Vennession mumbled below her breath as she made the turn, before saying, audibly, Where now?

You only lived here for your whole life yo! You should know! We're goin' straight. Duh. Nnoitra said, before scooting his seat as far back as it would go, and leaning it back. It would rather seem that he thought he was going to look more gangster by doing so.

And if I don't wanna go straight?

Wha?

What if I wanna go gay?

The Spoon facepalmed, before saying, Just... straight, okay? Straight!

So she went straight, til they were finally at a bridge, and far from their intended destination. This was when Nnoi decided to ask, What? Did Sedano's move or some shit?

Nope, I'm just following your shit for brains directions.

Turn there! After that cop car! Nnoi said, pointing at the cop car that was turning into a parking lot... 2 lanes to their right, and less than a dozen feet ahead. Right as they began to move forward.

Since following the half-wit's instructions was impossible, she instead crossed the bridge, and went around the roundabout on the other end to get back in the right direction. This, of course, made her idiot brother yell, The hell're ya doin! I said turn back there! waving his hand around, managing to smack it into the side of the window.

YEOWCH!

Do I look like I'm a fucking driver for fast and furious?

The Spoon had to stop and stare at the vertically challenged person driving, snorting in amusement, before saying, No.

Ghost Rider?

Nope!

James Bond?

NO!

Nascar?

Ya already have the lead foot to be one. Wait, where ya goin' with this?

Then how the hell did you expect me to make that?

Average yer vehicle!

I'm not cutting across that much traffic!

Meh! When I was your age-

Dinosaurs roamed the fucking earth.

I'm ain't that old!

Sure, and I'm straight. His sister spat sarcastically.

Nnoitra just glared at her. There was awkward silence, and a steadily stewing mantis in the passenger seat, until the car finally pulled into the parking lot of Sedano's.

Now just pull into that parking spot over there. Nnoitra said, pointing out a parking spot with the rolled up sales flyer.

Now just as the shrimp began to pull into the parking spot, the lanky critter yelled, No! The one next to it!

So now, the car was effectively between both parking spaces, no way to correct this without jumping onto the curb. Seeing this, Vennession went to put the car into reverse, to occupy only one parking spot. However, she was prevented from doing this by the spoon whacking her on the elbow with the paper.

Leave it!

But I'm taking up 2 spaces!

It's fine!

Whatever.

The engine was promptly turned off, and the two climbed out. The car was half in one parking spot, half In another.

You're taking up 2 spots!

That's what I told you!

But you're taking up two spaces! You're shitty at parking!

I woulda parked just fine if you hadn't opened up your fucking piano mouth!

Bitch, my teeth put a piano's keys to shame!

That's not something to be proud of!

Whatever, just hurry up, I wanna go get my motherfucking flan.

20 minutes later, they walked back out the doors. Nnoitra was holding a bag, and swearing profusely under his breath.

Why did that old lady have to curse at me? He asked, referring to the cashier who had called him a bitch.

Maybe you shouldn't have been chatting her up!

Not my fault I try to be polite!

Not your fault you're a creepy motherfucker. Vennession said, shrugging.

As they returned to the car, they overheard an old lady complaining to the guy who was collecting the shopping carts about how some asshole had taken up two parking spots, and how she had to walk so far, and didn't he see she had problems with walking much?

The shrimp decided now would be a good time as any to get revenge on Nnoitra for being a douchebag. So she walked over to the old lady, and piped up in her best Spanglish, Hey miss, this is the idiot who made you walk so much! , pointing at the Spoon.

Oh fuck!

Nnoitra was left with some rather shoe-shaped bruises for the next week or two. He learned the hard way that despite his hierro, pissed off old Cuban ladies could hit hard with a flip-flop when they felt like it. 


End file.
